Lust
by tigersbride
Summary: When Harry argues with Nikki's new boyfriend it drives them apart, but how far apart can they fall before they realise what they really want?
1. Chapter 1

**So not convinced I'm looking forward to tomorrow night's new series, but we'll soon find out. Hope this doesn't exacerbate the pain too much! (Not sure if this should be M rated?) **

* * *

Life isn't bad for you, Harry Cunningham.

You smirk, smug, as you look around the room. In the corner you spot Leo, your old friend come boss, adviser to your life and general safety net. He winks at you across his crowded living room, as he catches your eye. Your gaze moves left, your eyes filled with the image of a gorgeous blonde, sexy black dress, 5 foot 6 inches, 25 inch waist, DD cup size. Her straightened hair falls gracefully onto her back as she flicks it behind her, the mousey highlights shimmering in the light.

Your smirk increases as you look at her, think about your nights together, but your heart is nonchalant.

It doesn't last long though, it never does. Your attention is caught by a man that pisses you off for no good reason. A guy you have no excuse to hate, but love to beat. You hate how his hair falls, how he's slightly taller than you, how he's clearly been getting a lot more out of his gym membership than you. Not that you give a damn, you tell yourself. You'll never admit that it's not him that's the real problem, it's his girlfriend.

Your heart races, just a little, as you glance over at her. The butterfly print top hangs from her shoulders, sucked in by her high waisted jeans. Her loose braid tumbling down her side, her whole look can't have taken her more than 10 minutes, but she wouldn't have looked better after an hours work. It's not just you, you're sure, everyone in this room has noticed how good she's looking.

Nikki looks up and spots you staring, frowning slightly as she resumes her conversation with a pompous, older looking man. Things haven't been exactly great between you recently. The insults you've aimed at her boyfriend in recent weeks probably didn't help.

You turn back to your wine, leaning against the fireplace casually. Anna approaches you slyly, making you jump a little as her fingers rest on your hip. Her lips press against your cheek and you turn to capture them gently in your own. You half hope Nikki is looking, but you won't admit why. The kiss lasts a little longer than you would like, but you put up with it for now. Eventually, she leaves your side with a seductive smile and heads for the bathroom. Does she want you to go with her? You're unsure. You decide not to, regardless, and make your way slowly towards Leo and Janet, cursing this goddamned party as you greet countless well-wishers. You know it was certainly Janet's idea to throw a 'back together' party.

After Janet's young nephew has finished quizzing you about corpses and methane, you turn abruptly, eager now to reach Leo, but your shoulder has other ideas as it bumps roughly into the back of a tall man, spilling some of the red wine in his glass. He turns around angrily as you groan inwardly. Matt glares at you as if he thinks you've done this on purpose. A childish part of your mind suggests you probably would have done it on purpose if you were just a bit more pissed off. You put your hands up, resigned, and mutter a reluctant apology. His voice raised a little, he asks what your problem is, just loud enough that the people next to you turn around, a couple of nosey, older women with glasses at the tips of their noses pretentiously. You insist it was an accident, and turn away, but Matt has other ideas. He grabs your shoulder and pulls it back so that you're forced to face him again, and you furrow your brow defensively as you noticed his clenched fist.

Before he gets any other ideas, Leo has a hand on your chest and is bustling you away, past Mrs Robinson, who's glasses are now practically on the floor. You chance a look back and see to your delight a flustered Nikki trying to calm him down. Some sadistic part of you loves it when you get to her.

"So, enjoying the party?" You ask Leo with a smugness that he can probably see through.

"When you're not causing trouble." He's put his father voice on, and despite yourself you feel a small wave of guilt.

"It was honestly an accident, this time." You laugh.

"I'm not sure Nikki will see it that way, Harry."

You shrug, as if to show how much you don't care, but you know that it won't fool Leo. You desperately try to think of a new topic before he can scald you further, but your chain of thought is interrupted as your arm is stroked.

"What's going on, Harry?" Anna whispers sweetly into your ear. You realise she probably was waiting for you to join her upstairs, but you can plead ignorant later if she brings it up. You shake her off and reposition yourself, arm looped casually around her waist as you shrug again, mumbling about an accident and that Matt just has it in for you. Her lips find their way to yours again, and one eye sneaks open just enough to see Leo sliding back into the crowd.

As abruptly as it started, you find your kiss ending as you're dragged from Anna, another blonde clenching your arm and pulling towards the kitchen. You oblige, realising you've wound her up enough for a reaction. You probably shouldn't enjoy this so much. She looks you in the eyes as she slams the door behind you and reveals her full fury. The smirk you're trying so hard to hold back creeps onto your lips and she immediately explodes, a fountain of anger and hurt and frustration pouring from her, only interrupted by your occasional moans of 'that's not fair!' or 'oh come on!'. You put a hand on her shoulder at one point of her explosion but she brushes it off angrily, asking you if you think this is a joke. How could you possibly dislike Matt so much? She wonders, and why don't you talk to her any more? Is it because you're so busy with Anna's legs wrapped around you?

This irritates you no end, as you know full well that you stopped being so close when she started bringing Matt into her bed, the posh tosser. You probably shouldn't have said that last bit out loud, because her hands fly to her face in exasperation and she turns her back on you angrily. You're not sure quite how your severe annoyance turns into unescapable lust, but you move towards her suddenly, one hand reaching out to tuck her hair gently behind her ear and the other pulling her hand to her side and holding it against her hip. You move subconsciously, naturally towards her, lips meeting her cheek, soft kisses along her jawline and eventually hovering near her mouth. You're not waiting long. She looks to the right almost reluctantly, as if she's trying to resist. She meets your eyes as she gives herself to your kisses. Her lips part and your kiss becomes more desperate as her tongue enters you, dancing with yours. Your hand finds its way to her waist, and you tug the buttons undone, sliding your hand gently downwards. You hear her heart pick up pace and you feel yours do the same. As you touch her, her grip on your hand tightens and she lets out a little moan as you begin to rub, one that makes you thankful for your recent practice.

You're sure she doesn't know how much you want her right now, but you're too mesmerised by the little noises escaping her lips to turn her around and show her. It's not long before she begins to shudder and her teeth clench to stop her moans becoming louder.

You remove your hand slowly to hold her hip, and she starts to button her jeans back up. A strange feeling encompasses you as you watch her avoiding your eyes, and you're not sure if it's guilt, hurt, or regret filling your heart. When she's done them and straightened herself up, she turns around. You take her forearms in your hands and bend down to look at her, into the eyes embedded in her flushed cheeks. Reluctantly she meets your gaze, and the panic in them scares you. She looks away and pulls her arms from your now loosened grip, shutting the door behind her, leaving you staring at the ceiling with your hands on your head.


	2. Chapter 2

**Well, I gotta say, I'm not ever gonna love SW as much without Harry but I did enjoy Jack. He was entertaining! Thanks for you reviews and I hope you enjoy again, in light of the content of this chapter I will be upping to M just for the general safety net. **

* * *

The small talk that usually brightens your vocabulary has been hiding recently, whenever you've been around Nikki. No longer do your jokes flow easily, and no more are her mocking laughs.

The last two weeks have been tense.

You're thankful that you haven't been alone together, that there has been no time for her to brooch the topic of Leo's party, but you suspect she wouldn't have tried to talk about it anyway.

You shudder now, as you come away from the crime scene in your own car, heading back towards the Lyell centre. It's always so much worse when the victim is a child. An unspoken agreement between the three of you had always been that you and Nikki would take on the child cases, it seemed unfair to Leo because of his past.

This one had been brutal, and you know how much Nikki takes cases like this to heart. If you're affected, you hate to think what she is feeling like right now. You're not sure you'll ever forget the blood spatters over the rainbow wallpaper, or the china doll, sitting in the corner, the only witness to the crime.

The question the police posed was whether the mother or father was the killer. In the corner of your eye you'd seen Nikki's heart break as the DI had so casually muttered the words, moaned about the onslaught of media attention that a case like this was sure to bring, how she hopes the social services have covered their backs and won't be sued, because how much will that cost? Funding is poor, you know.

Even you had noticed how callous that had seemed, and you've always been the toughest of the three Lyell centre pathologists. Whatever the case, you would do your job and cut open the poor, 5 year old boy when he was brought to the lab. It was relatively obvious that the child had suffered years of abuse and had finally been beaten to death, but it was your job to work out exactly how that last bit had happened, and point the police in the direction of the killer.

As you pull your car up at the lab, you notice with confusion that Nikki has not yet arrived, and wonder exactly why that is, considering she left before you. Your mind strolls again to how she might be feeling. You go inside regardless, and its not long before you hear her entering the office behind you and sit automatically at your desk. Normally you'd roll your eyes and jokingly scald her, but even if today hadn't been so bad the tension in the room was still the density of butter. You turn around to face her, knowing you'll have to start discussing your first impressions of the crime scene, but the redness around her eyes stops you.

As if she knows what you were about to say she shakes her head slowly. You can't help but to move toward her and kneel down next to her chair. You put a hand in her lap and smile when she locks it with her fingers. Her tears well to the edges of her eyes, and you tuck her hair behind her ear with your spare hand as the brim over and scatter down her cheeks. Gradually, she meets your eyes, and when her sorrow becomes too much for you to bear you pull her into your shoulder, where the dampness spreads.

Eventually, her tears stop, and her head rests gently on your shoulder, hot breath dispersing on your neck irresistibly. You can't help but to press a kiss into her hair, but to your relief she doesn't move, either to escape or to take it further. Instead, she slowly lifts her head with a gentle smile and begins to wipe away her tears. She's apologising to you and explaining how awful she found that scene, but you can't concentrate, your eyes captivated by her face. She stands suddenly and breaks your concentration, reminding you of the task at hand.

After you've finished the post-mortem, during which you repeatedly checked on Nikki's emotional well-being, you return to the office where you begin to slowly wade through the pile of paperwork left to fill. You phone Leo and explain to him vague aspects of the case, insisting he has no need to get involved or come in today, and he reluctantly agrees to stay at home, reminding you to call if you need any help. You laugh, reassuring him that you will, and hang up the phone.

At the end of a few hours of paperwork, you conclude that the boy was hit backward by trauma to the area around his liver, knocking him into the corner of his chest of drawers, likely causing him to black out, but the real killer was the liver rupture and haemorrhage that followed the trauma. In light of the circumstances surrounding the death and the size of the abdominal bruising, you settle on the father as the killer.

You look up and catch Nikki's eyes. You're pleased that some of the tension from earlier that day has dispersed.

"Do you think it was the father, too?" You ask. Her eyes narrow and she straightens her back before she answers.

"No, I actually think it was the mother."

You start to quiz her then as to why she thinks the way she does, but you can't grasp her reasoning at all, none of the long and complex theory she has developed makes any sense to you, but she won't try to understand its flaws. The more she insists that she is right without allowing you to explain, the more angry you both become. At some point during your heated discussion you both leave your seats but you're too irate to notice when. You realise with regret that your voices have begun to raise uncontrollably, but its too late for that now.

"So what, you just hate all other men now?" Nikki cries spitefully. "First Matt, and now you just have it in for every man?"

You snap then. It's not right of her to involve your personal lives in something like this, she knows well enough that you're not like that, and you wouldn't let your dislike for one man cloud your professional judgement. You take a couple of steps towards her, so that you're close enough to touch her, and look directly at her sternly.

"Don't be an ass, Nik." You spit in a warning tone. Her eyebrows raise, and you know she's not done yet.

"Seriously though, what is it with him?" She hisses, "He's got you thinking every man is evil."

You say nothing, trying desperately not to give her the satisfaction of reacting. You stand your ground, focusing only on your breathing and trying to calm down. She takes a taunting step towards you and runs a finger down your chest. Even over your shirt it makes you erupt in goosebumps.

"Are you jealous?" She whispers into your ear.

You turn your head to retort quickly, but as you do so you catch sight of her lips, and before you know it she's crashed them into yours. A part of your mind screams out, you don't want to make this same mistake again, but you can't help yourself. Your arms grab her sides and pull her closer into you as hers press on your lower back and your ass. She's squeezing you and kissing you desperately, her tongue teasing yours. You don't want to do anything you regret, but you can't help yourself. She can feel you pressing against her through your jeans, and her hands come round to the front, urgently undoing your button and zipper. You break the kiss for a split second, only long enough to pull her top over her head, and she's already unbuttoned yours and pushing it off your arms, allowing it to drop to the floor. She pulls your jeans down now and you kick off your shoes and slip out of them, sneaking in a quick squeeze of her ass before you fumble with her jeans and pull them down too. You wonder vaguely amongst the passion if she chose her matching lace underwear today on purpose.

Nikki pulls you even closer and you back her up against the wall, hands gripping her hips. She moans a little as you pin her to the wall and her eyes dart open, a daring, lusty fire in them that you had never thought her capable of. You don't want to wait. Apparently, she doesn't either. Her hand dives into your boxers and you take a sharp breath as she takes you in her hand. With one hand you tug at your underwear and wriggle them off as she readies you, pulling hers down roughly as quickly as you can. You smirk when you notice how clean shaven she is, and you wonder if she was planning this with you or with him.

Two handed, you lift her up by her ass so she's straddling you, leaning against the wall as she guides you into her. She's so tight, so wet. It takes everything you have not to be immediately overwhelmed by the satisfaction that finally being inside her brings. You're not sure you've ever felt such an immense need for another person. She leans down to kiss you before you try to build a rhythm, trying to force yourself to slow. She seems to have other ideas, and before you know it she's convinced you of her ways, encouraging you in, hard, fast, deep. You slow a few times to keep yourself spilling over, but after a few minutes her breathing becomes far more erratic, her fingers dig into your skin and your name slips through her lips. You hear her breath catch before you feel her shudder, and it becomes too much, you give yourself to the gods of pleasure.

It takes a few minutes to catch your breath. Her forehead rests on yours, her eyes closed. You wonder why you're no longer afraid to meet them. You slowly break the connection between you and lower her back down. She smiles sarcastically as you hand her the box of tissues from your desk, and you both begin to dress quickly, suddenly aware that anyone could have walked in. She mumbles something about going to the toilet, and you realise that awkwardness is starting to fall again between you.

"Wait." You say firmly. You cross over to her while she eyes you quizzically. You put a hand on her arm and loop the other one around the back of her neck, leaning slowly in towards her so that she can escape if she wants. She remains still, and you kiss her gently, strangely relieved when she responds warmly. She smiles as you pull away, and you smile back, wondering what this means for you. You know you should feel more guilty for Matt and for Anna. She squeezes your hand reassuringly before she steps out of the room, and you try to gather your thoughts. What do you actually want this to mean? You'd never admit your true feelings for her. You decide that when she walks back in you'll confront her. You need to know what to say or whether to tell Anna anything at least, she'll have to talk about it.

You clear your throat as the door opens again, but you thank your stars you didn't open your mouth. Leo looks you up and down, noticing your unusually scruffy appearance and flushed face.

"I couldn't just stay at home when I knew you had so much on" He announces heroically. He smirks. "What the hell happened to you?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Oh gosh, what did you all think of last week's guys? The scene with Harry's desk was heartbreaking, but I think Jack is going to be entertaining to say the least! Enjoy x**

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"We shouldn't keep doing this." You state, although you don't mean it. You contradict yourself by pressing your lips against her neck. The months are passing and you're starting to lose track of how many times this has happened, how many times you've lost control of yourselves and ended up in bed, or on your desk, or in the shower...

"Maybe you're right." Nikki sighs, turning her head to look you in the eyes. You can't help but break out in a smirks and returns it, rolling her eyes a little as you pull her naked body closer to yours. She knows you didn't mean it either, that you're just trying awkwardly to bring up the topic you'd both been ignoring. "Do we have to do this now?" She asks, quieter now. You sigh and brush her cheek with your fingers.

"We ought to."

"I don't know, Harry. You're with Anna, I'm with Matt -"

"And yet we're in bed together" You interject.

She goes quiet now, and you wonder if maybe this isn't what she wants. Hell, you're not sure yet if it's what you want, but you think you want it more than you want Anna.

"I'm not trying to tell you I'm in love with you, if that's what you think." You say quietly. "I don't know how I feel, Niks, but I am enjoying this." You meet her narrowed eyes and she smiles at you.

"I enjoy it too." She laughs, lifting her lips to yours and catching a kiss. "But you were right the first time, it's not fair to them, we should stop."

That's not exactly what you wanted to hear, and you're not sure you're happy with it. She pauses, gauging your reaction, seeing right through the facade you've put on. Her hand runs through your hair and you glare at her in a joking manner. She knows how much you like it when she does that.

"We can stop slowly?" She suggests between kisses, running down your jaw. Rather than answer her, you take her lips with yours and squeeze her waist, eager to have her again.

Your lust is cut short, however, by the familiar ringing of your phone. You try to ignore it but Nikki pushes you away, grinning. You groan and lean over, sighing when you read the caller ID.

"Anna" You begin, pausing while you're interrupted with a multitude of questions, 'where are you' being the primary one. You formulate your lie while you speak. "Actually, I was just in the Chinese, I had to work late and I thought you might like a takeaway? It's just they said it might be a bit of a wait, but I wanted to surprise you..."  
You look guiltily over to Nikki who's raised her eyebrows at your uncanny ability to get away with everything. You mouth an apology and she shakes her head lightly, although you hope you're not imagining that glimmer of disappointment in her eyes.

Anna, satisfied with your answer, eventually says goodbye and you hang up the phone, bending in to give Nikki a deep kiss before you stand up from the bed and begin to pull your boxers back on. You grin as you feel her appear behind you and kiss your ear as you button your jeans. You turn again to kiss her lips and she smiles, pulling back to allow you to stand up. You kiss her again before you slip away, heading to the local Chinese takeaway.

* * *

You're surprised by a knock on the door the next day. Anna is upstairs, running a bath, and you panic slightly as you hear her coming downstairs. You've already seen the blonde hair and devilish smile through the window. You pull into the hall and open the door, Anna now behind you in her dressing gown. She looks a little surprised at Nikki's arrival.

"Hey Harry" Nikki smiles, saying hello again as she notices Anna behind you. You welcome her in and she steps inside. You wonder if she knows how hard your heart is beating.

"Are you ok?" You ask curiously. She nods.

"Yeah, case stuff I'm afraid" She pretends to groan, laughing with you.

You turn back to Anna who's already nodding. You've explained the need for confidentiality before. She smiles and returns upstairs to her bath. When you're alone, Nikki smiles at you, a glimmer of something you would never have expected to see from someone who seems so innocent, a glimmer of desire, of danger. You take her hand and pull her into the dining room, where the blinds happen to be shut, and close the door firmly behind you.

"What do you really want?" You whisper, secretly pleased at her boldness.

"A thrill." She states, and you can't help but stare at her numbly, aware that at some point your mouth has opened and you're gaping at her, looking entirely stupid. Her grin widens as she goes up on her tiptoes to kiss you, her hand finding its place on your neck.

You find your confidence in her once again as you deepen the kiss and pull her against you, feeling your excitement grow. She feels you too, and slides her hand down, gripping you firmly through your jeans, earning a groan from you.

Without a moment's notice, she breaks your kiss, and the devilish look in her eyes has returned. A few seconds later, and she's on her knees, unbuttoning your jeans and taking you into her mouth. You're not sure what you did to deserve access to such a perfect dreamworld, but you're not complaining. This feeling has to be better than any drug. Gradually, you feel a familiar sweat, a quickening of your breathing, and a build up of hormones just waiting to flush over you. As if she can read your mind, Nikki picks up pace and you soon find yourself suppressing a moan.

A few moments later, when your jeans are re-buttoned, she stands back up, a satisfied glint in her eye. She smiles, and you smile back, slipping your arms around her as you press your flushed forehead against hers.

"I better get back, Matt will be wondering where I've gone." You hope you imagined that pang of jealousy. "I'll see you tomorrow?" She asks suddenly. You nod and smile.

"Here, about 6? Anna doesn't finish 'til 10." You lean in for a final kiss before she grins, and slips back out of the door.

* * *

Tomorrow comes, and time passes quicker than you could have hoped for. Seeing Nikki always brighten your days. You wait around, and 6pm comes and goes, and soon it's 10pm and Anna walks in, evidently pleased to see you at home. You're not quite sure when she moved herself in, but you can't remember the last time she slept at her place, except for those occasional nights where you didn't want to leave Nikki's, and faked being called into work.

You wonder what caught Nikki up, and debate texting her. You don't want her to get the wrong impression, not that you remember what the right one is, any more. As it happens, your phone starts to ring, and you answer it to Leo's voice.

"Harry, are you able to work tomorrow?" He asks, knowing you wouldn't be able to say no if you wanted to.

"Isn't Nikki in tomorrow?" You ask curiously. You're sure you read their shifts right, you only checked he other day.

"She's called me to say she can't do it." He says simply, offering no other explanation. Something about his tone tells you not to press the matter further. You can't help but worry a little as you agree to work tomorrow. You hope you'll be able to prize the answer from him then. You'd jump to the obvious conclusion that she was ill, but something tells you there's a more sinister explanation for what's happening.

You debate for a few minutes, but write a quick text to Nikki and hit send, asking her if everything is ok and why she's not in work tomorrow. You wait a while, sighing inwardly when Anna sits next to you and wraps your arm around her neck. You find yourself pretending she's Nikki as she kisses you. You wonder if you've fallen in love, or if you're just overreacting to the fact that you don't know what's going on.

Sure enough, no text comes through, and you can feel an odd sickness in your stomach as you close your eyes to sleep that night.


	4. Chapter 4

You can't believe how close you came to arguing with Leo earlier. You only ever argue over cases, but you know you were out of order, asking him to tell you what's happening with Nikki. It just hurts you that he knows and you don't. You get the strange impression that he's pissed off with you, disappointed even, and you wonder if maybe your secret has been discovered. You just hope Matt doesn't know, but you have a feeling you might have known about it by now if he did. You can't imagine he'd let you get away unbruised if he knew the truth. You work through the day, an awkward tension in the air between the two of you, but you don't stop thinking about Nikki. Nothing quells your fears, no text messages arrive, no emails, no phone calls, nothing that might calm you down. You haven't heard anything to say that it's a serious issue, but the fact that you haven't heard anything is exactly what worries you. And you continue not to hear anything. Today passes and tomorrow comes, and you find yourself back at work, back in a room where you sit awkwardly at your desk, alone and worried. Still nothing.

The day after, and Leo asks if you and Anna want to do something with him and Janet after work. As you presume you have no other plans, you agree to meet him at his, Janet apparently is cooking. You wonder if this might have something to do with Nikki, but you think again when you realise he's invited Anna.

* * *

Anna knocks the door that evening, looking lovely in a black, cowl necked satin top and skinny jeans. You're almost starting to appreciate her looks again. You smile apologetically as Leo answers the door. You know you've been a bastard to him in the last few days. You wonder if he understands. He smiles back nonetheless, but your heart stops when you enter the dining room, faced with Matt and Nikki sat side by side. Nikki looks up at you as you walk in and holds your gaze, the colour draining from her face as she gauges your reaction. You smile weakly, but you know you must look awful. Leo enters the room behind you to inform you that Janet's in the kitchen sorting the food out, and she'll be in soon. Anna sits down opposite Matt, leaving you to sit down opposite Nikki. They engross themselves in conversation, allowing you to look up into Nikki's eyes. "Are you ok?" You ask quietly, unsure what else to say. She doesn't smile, but she nods and doesn't break eye contact. You can't help but look away, it's hurting you to look at her. She looks fine, and no matter how much you scrutinize everything about her, you can't find any visible signs of anything wrong. Janet and Leo eventually sit down, and you begin to eat.

After the lamb main course has been eaten and plates cleared, you notice a private conversation going on between Nikki and Matt, that captures your attention. Matt nods excitedly, but Nikki seems nervous. You hear mutters of 'go on', and wonder if they're about to make a big announcement. Eventually, the mutters are followed by a 'you do it', from Nikki, and you go quiet, all too aware that she's unsure where to look. Sick to your stomach, you look over as Matt clears his throat and stops Leo and Janet's conversation. He grins, and you can't help but feel even worse.

"Nikki and I have something to announce, and we couldn't think of a better time to do it than when we're with friends" He begins, and your heart drops. Announcements can only mean a few things... They're moving, they're getting married, or... "We're having a baby!"

And your heart stops altogether. You've been careful... You can't stand the thought that she's carrying another man's baby. Especially one that has always been so hostile towards you. You recall the first time you met Matt, how he looked at you when you were alone, anger in his eyes, and told you to stay the hell away from his girlfriend. How he's spoken to you the other few times you've been alone together, how that one time you back-chatted him left you with a cut lip, how you'd have floored him if Leo hadn't walked in at the right time.

When congratulations have gone around the room and you've come to your senses a bit more, you're desperate for a chance to speak to Nikki alone, but unsure that an opportunity will arise. A little while passes and eventually they stop discussing how brilliant babies are and move on to other topics. Leo catches your eye but you can't hold his gaze. As if he understands you, he gasps, capturing your attention. Everyone turns to look.

"Sorry..." He starts slowly. You have no idea what he's doing. "Harry, Nikki, I know it's not a great time but I think I just had a minor epiphany about that case."

"Oh?" Nikki looks interested, as if she's already worked out what Leo's agenda really is.

"Would you all mind if we just had a quick chat about it?" Leo continues, gesturing at Janet, Matt and Anna. As if he knows they might protest, he adds: "It could be pretty major, I ought to run it by you right away."

You're not sure you've ever loved Leo more. You nod and stand from the table, offering no more than a shoulder squeeze to Anna while Matt pulls Nikki in for a kiss as she gets up from her chair.

* * *

You both follow Leo into his office upstairs, and you find it hard to look up from the floor.

"I thought you two might appreciate a chance to talk." He says quietly, shutting the door behind him as you thank him and he sneaks out.

Neither of you know exactly what to say, but you force yourself to look up at her with all your might. She looks away as you meet her eyes, but you know you need to talk, and you haven't got much time.

"So, you're pregnant?" You say simply. She raises her head again, but her eyes are closed. She nods once before she opens them, and you can see tears brimming in her eyes. You want desperately to ask if it's definitely Matt's baby, but you know she'd have told you first if it was yours. You're sure you were always careful. You can't help yourself. "It's his?"

"I'm 14 weeks, so there is a chance, Harry." She sighs in a pleading tone, the first of many tears swimming out of her eyes. "But it's only small. It's more likely his baby..."'

Your heart breaks, you wish she could tell you something different. It's not that you want a child, or that you were supposed to be emotionally involved, you don't know why you're so affected. Everything to do with Nikki affects you. Maybe you do want this baby. You nod slowly, to show your understanding, and feel her wrap her arms around your chest. Shit, you think to yourself as a tear of your own spills from your eye. You bury your head in her hair, pressing soft kisses into it. She tilts her head back and kisses you softly, you feel her pain and sadness in the kiss, and wonder why you left it so long to do anything about how much you liked her. You've always liked her, really. Maybe you are in love with her, not that it matters any more. She's got a new path now. One that doesn't involve you.

"It's his, we were always careful." You whisper.

She looks up at you with sadness in her eyes. "Not the first time, the time in the lab..."

You didn't want her to say that, to remind you that there is a chance. You don't want any false hope. "Was that 14 weeks ago?" You ask, kicking yourself for it afterwards.

She smiles sadly."More or less." She admits. "But to be honest with you, I felt so guilty afterwards, because it was the first time, that I overcompensated a little when I came home."

You nod, you don't want to know any more details.

"I didn't want to keep it." She says suddenly, and you look down to where she's leaning against you, wrapped in her arms. You don't know what to say, but you don't have to speak because she's not finished talking. "I don't want his baby to be my baby, Harry, but I talked it through with Leo, and he convinced me. I may not get another chance at being a mother." Her tears are flowing more freely now, and looking down at her, you can't help but cry with her.

"I'll give you one." You suggest seriously, but she laughs, taking it to be a joke. You don't know what is going through your head, but any conclusion your story has will be unsatisfactory now that this has happened. You kiss her again on the lips, and she responds passionately, knowing it may be the last kiss you share together.

"I'll always be here for you, you know." You assure her. "And even though I don't like Matt, I'll love this baby Nikki, as a part of you."

She sobs on your shoulder for a few more minutes, nodding in reply. She eventually looks up and wipes the tears from around your eyes. You smile at her as she wipes her own eyes, and she gestures at the door, taking your hand and leading you towards it.

"Come on, we better pull ourselves together or they'll be suspicious."


	5. Chapter 5

**So not excited about the trailer for next week! How can they expect us to believe Nikki is moving on so fast? I want her to be happy but it should be with Harry! :-(**

* * *

You've taken a few days to yourself, to try to get used to the idea of Nikki being with Matt, with the fact that he's the father of her unborn child. You're lucky with your shifts this week, that you've had time alone, with only the occasional interruption to your solitude coming in the form of Anna. You've been luckier still that she has been busy at work this week. You're starting to think you're okay with it, that you'll be able to stay away from Nikki to some degree, go back to the way things were between you.

That is, until you return to work. Until you see the saddened face of the blonde you didn't realise held your heart quite so tightly in her hands. She half-smiles at you when she sees you walk in. She's half-wondering if you're mad with her, if you've accepted her predicament, and half happy to see you. The butterflies in your stomach scare you. You can't come to terms with how you feel. You can't bring yourself to admit that there are any feelings involved, but you somehow know that sex always complicates everything, and there's no one else you want in that way. You wonder if you'd have freaked out if Nikki had told you the baby was yours, or if you'd be happy. Not that you have to worry about that now.

You look at her and she tilts her head to the side, her smile disappearing when yours fails to come. You sit opposite her and she holds out her hand to you. You take it, becoming suddenly overwhelmed with a wave of emotion you can't interpret, feelings you don't understand. Your mouth starts talking before your brain has processed your thoughts.

"You're making a mistake." You blurt suddenly. She looks up at you, hurt, as you try and compose yourself. Your impulsion has better ideas. "With Matt, I mean."

Nikki says nothing, but her eyes say everything you don't want them to.

"You shouldn't be with him. He's not right for you, for your baby."

"Harry he's the baby's father, there's no one that would be more right..."

"It doesn't matter." You protest. Nikki opens her mouth but you don't want to hear her words. "You shouldn't be with him."

You stand, desperate to break the gaze you share. You want her to disappear, want this whole bloody mess to be a figment of your scared imagination.

"You're making such a big mistake." You mutter to the wall.

"And what other choice do I have? I can't leave him Harry, I can't be on my own through this."

"You've got me!" You argue, turning back to face her again, cringing at the tears littering her cheeks.

"No, Harry, I don't." She says abruptly. It's your turn to display your hurt as you gape at her. "I don't have you, not in the same way. You don't love me Harry, not like he 's the baby's father, and no matter what you think you can do for me that won't change. It'll always be the same."

"You don't know what he's like." You insist, choosing to ignore her previous comment. You can't process anything right now, let alone how you truly feel about her.

"He's a good man, Harry. I'm the one who's been doing wrong. We're the ones who've been doing wrong."

"He's not innocent, Niks, he's not the man you think he is."

She pauses suddenly and glares at you, taking a threatening step forward as she leans towards you angrily. "What is your problem with him?"

"There are many." You hiss. "The main one being that whenever we're left alone, he tells me to stay away from you, orders me not to see you. He hit me once, when I told him where to go."

Nikki looks shocked at this, taken aback, but you can see the line of suspicion in her brow.

You step toward her, closing the gap between you. Your hand cups her cheek and her eyes widen, tears still continuing to fall amidst your accusation.

"You're with the wrong man, Niks." You whisper. Her eyes interlock with yours and you lean towards her, taking her lips in yours. She kisses you back, but the passion you normally share is lacking. Her hurt is evident. You gradually begin to taste the salt of her tears, and you break apart gently, searching her eyes. You open your mouth again, but you think you've made your point. She's not looking at you any more. Her tears are hitting the floor. You run your hands over your head and turn from her, leaving the room as quick as you can.

"Are you alright?" Asks a familiar voice. You look left, nodding gently when you meet Leo's concerned eyes. You're not in the mood for talking, and you wonder just how much he's heard. He was stood still, and you expect he's seen you kiss her. He seems to understand your need to be alone and enters the room you've just left. You lean against the wall, just out of sight, cringing a little when you realise you can hear the conversation taking place behind you.

"What did he say?" Leo's asking. Nikki's tearful voice describes the things you've said, what you've told her about Matt. You're pleased to hear Leo backing you up on that particular point.

"I must say, I'm surprised at you Nikki." He' mutters in his fatherly manner. "I thought you'd jump at the chance to be with him. It's obviously what Harry wants."

"It's not that simple." She complains. "It's everything, it's the baby, it's how I feel. I just don't know what to think any more."

"Are you telling me that after all these years you don't think you're in love with Harry?"

You gulp, cursing as their voices sink to an inaudible volume. You desperately want to know what is going on inside her head, but you're both too stubborn to admit anything more than lust was the cause of your affair. You still don't know what you want, but you're starting to think it's Nikki.


	6. Chapter 6

"But you're alright?" You ask cautiously, sitting yourself down next to her on the sofa. Everything she did now made you nervous. She was barely even showing yet, and you only notice because you know her so intimately well. You wonder how much you'll worry when she's term. Nikki smirks at you, head cocked to the side in a manner that showed just how much you were patronising her. You laugh, getting yourself comfortable now you know she's alright. You've spent more time here than at home recently. Matt has been working away, and you feel like Nikki needed company. You're not sure if she's quite come to terms with her pregnancy yet, in the four weeks since she found out. You certainly haven't come to terms with anything. Particularly after your altercation a few weeks before. She's certainly seemed more resentful towards Matt, and each snide remark she makes about him makes you more hopeful that she'll eventually see through him. She doesn't need him, you'll never let her down. She insisted that it wouldn't work because you don't love her like he does. Whether he loves her or not, he could never feel quite so strongly about her as you do. You admit you still don't know if it's love, but she's been the most important, only important person in your life for years.

You flick the buttons on the television remote and lean back as familiar faces and sounds come to life and fill the room. You smile when Nikki cuddles into you automatically, but a familiar lust swims to the foreground of your heart by the prolonged contact. You stroke her hair once before you pull backwards, trying to show your emotions in your expression.

"Harry..." She whispers, looking deep into your eyes. No matter how much you want to, you can't break the eye contact you share. You force yourself to look down, desperate to stop yourself doing something she might regret. Her hand meets your face and brings your gaze back up, and you're overwhelmed with need for her. You struggle to keep yourself together, to stop yourself pressing your mouths together and touching every sensitive part of her.

"I need you." She says quietly. Those three words are all it takes for you to cripple under the pressure of your restraint. You're moving towards her but she's on you already, tongue teasing yours as she climbs onto your lap, straddling you with her knees either side of your legs. You grab her ass and pull her closer, so that she can feel your need for her. She groans slightly at the friction from the sudden movement, and deepens your kiss further than you thought possible. You don't need much persuasion to take your jeans off, and you're even happier about it when she pulls her top over her head and unclips her bra, exposing her pert, larger than usual breasts. You can't help but admire what the pregnancy has done to them. She moans a little as you take her left nipple into your mouth, gently nipping the surface as your right hand presses her into you. She unbuttons your shirt carelessly, and you're sure you can hear more than one hit the floor. The strength of her desire just acts as more of a turn on, and you tug at the button on her jeans until it comes away. You slip your hand inside her knickers, loving how she moans when you rub her clit.

Nikki pulls off you and stands up, dropping her jeans to the ground before she takes your hand and pulls you up from the sofa so that you're standing opposite her. She takes your hand and leads you upstairs. You're not sure you want to play so nicely. You pull slightly but suddenly on her hand when you're midway up the stairs and she turns to look back at you. You grin and kiss her again, deeply, grabbing her around the waist with the hand you're not using to hold her cheek, and lower her slowly down to sit at the top of the stairs. You pull on her knickers and they come away easily, slipping the lace from her legs and throwing them behind you as you drop your own boxers and step awkwardly out of them, mouth still against hers. Nikki takes your cock in her hands and you inhale sharply to contain your excitement. You return your own fingers to her and plunge them into her deeply. It's her turn to inhale. You grin against her lips and she returns the smile, breaking the kiss for a split second. You feel her need for you and don't waste much more time before you grant her wish and slide into her easily. You moan, trying to resist the urge to thrust into her fast and reach your goal quickly. Nikki senses your desire and kisses you softer than before in an attempt to calm you slightly. She only lets you pump into her a few more times before she pushes you away and stands back up, once again dragging you into the bedroom.

You fall onto the bed together, the satin throw a welcome coolant for your desperately hot bodies. Nikki pulls back, grabbing you and starting to guide you back into her. You allow her to for now, but only give her a few short glimpses of satisfaction before you pull out again, turn her over and re-enter her. She moans loudly when you thrust with her like this, and the view of her ass is enough to make you come in itself. She allows you to control her like this for a few minutes, but before you know it she's back on top of you again, rocking you towards your release. You hang on for as long as you can, but the eventual groans she eludes and the way she digs her fingers into your skin prove to be too much for you as she comes with you.

She rolls off of you, moments later, spent. You eventually look toward her, pleased by the satisfied, peaceful look on her face. She smiles gently at you and you kiss her forehead, tasting salt from the activity. Nikki grins as you look at her and she leans up to kiss you softly, a kiss of promise.

You hadn't meant to end up back in Nikki's bed, and you doubt she meant you to end up here either. You hadn't been able to resist each other. It had been four weeks since you'd last been with her and your desire to have her had grown every time you saw her. You could tell she felt the same, there had been lust in her eyes you recognised. That night, when you'd returned home, you finally understood what Nikki had meant when she told you she'd slept with Matt out of guilt. You didn't want Anna that night. You wanted Nikki.


	7. Chapter 7

**I really want Nikki to have a big heart to heart with Clarissa about Harry :( Was it just me, or if you squinted, did that Lord guy look like a less hot Harry too? The BBC are such assholes! **

* * *

Neither of you had meant to sleep together again the next time, or the next, but neither of you wanted to stop either. You couldn't help yourselves. It took everything you had not to call her when you were at home with Anna, when she was with Matt. It was to your surprise that your phone rang that night, when you were lying in bed, Anna wrapped around your body awkwardly. She never seems to fit as well as Nikki does. Anna groans as you roll over to check your phone. 'It's Nikki' always seems to be enough of an excuse these days, as if her pregnancy makes it imperative that you answer every call, reply to every text. Anna pulls away from you as you say a quick 'hello' into the phone and climb from the bed, entering the spare room next door to take the call.

You can't understand what Nikki is saying, her tears are clouding her speech and the signal isn't the best. No matter how many times you ask her what's wrong, you can't make out her response. Your panic is more than you would have thought possible, considering your circumstances. You tell her you're on your way, and dive back into the bedroom where you begin to quickly dress, informing Anna that something's wrong but you don't know exactly what. You have to admire her for not asking too many questions.

As you pull up your car your mind is a mess of worry. You don't know what to expect when you enter the house, whether you'll find her bleeding, whether Matt has done something to her... You shudder at the thought, but climb out of the car and hammer on her front door. You're thankful when she answers the door in one piece but you frown at the state she's got herself in to. She half falls on you as you step inside and you catch her in your arms, kissing her head gently as she sobs.

"What's happened?" You ask her when her cries subside a little. You stroke her hair until she pulls away from you to answer.

"Matt's gone." She sobs. You feel a pang of hurt that his leaving could get her into such a state. "He knows, Harry, he knows!"

Her wails are louder now, and you need to take a step back so you can look into her eyes. "What do you mean, he knows? About me? About us?"

You feel a rush of panic, followed by a moment of calm relief. He may have found out, and if he tells Anna you may have to deal with that, but afterwards you can be together, in some definition of the word. At least this wasn't all because of his leaving. She tries to steady her breathing so she can make more sense.

"He knows I've had an affair, I told him it was a one night stand, but I don't know if he believed me." She chokes.

"How? How did he find out?" You ask desperately, wondering how you'd managed to make things so complicated. At the mention of how, Nikki instinctively puts her hands on her abdomen and you look down, where her stomach is beginning to softly swell. You resist the urge to cup her hands protectively. "The baby?"

Nikki's eyes widen as she looks up at you, and you wonder if you imagined the hint of a smile across her lips. "I don't remember entirely..." She begins. "It all happened so fast, there was so much yelling. He told me he had a rugby injury when he was young, that there was a chance he might have fertility problems because of it, but he never wanted to find out then. Apparently he became suspicious of me and got the test..."

You stare at her, mouth agape as you start to comprehend what she's telling you. Is this baby yours?

"He's sterile, Harry." She says to the floor, as if terrified that you'll leave her too. "The baby... The baby must be yours."

"You're sure?" You whisper. She nods, eyeing you nervously. You can't help but break out in a massive grin. She half returns your smile as you take her into your arms and kiss her deeply on the lips. Eventually, you pull away from her and she smiles back at you, satisfied that you're not devastated by the news. You slowly place a hand on her stomach, allowing her time to move away, but she stays still, the smile remaining on her face. "I told you I'd give you a baby." You joke. She chuckles, but when she looks back at you her eyes contain a little of their former sadness.

"What if he knows?" She asks quietly. You sigh, placing a hand on her cheek to reassure her.

"If he tells everyone, they find out." You state nonchalantly. "If they find out, Anna will probably leave. If she leaves, nothing changes. From now on, you and our baby are my main concern."

Nikki smiles at you, and you wonder if that was enough for her. You didn't want to ask her if you should leave Anna. You would, at a moment's notice, but you don't want to come on too strong, scare her off. If you can have back what you had before she found out you were pregnant, that would be more than enough for you. You just hope it's enough for her.


	8. Chapter 8

**There can be no Silent Witness without Leo. Just can't believe our crummy luck in the last 12 months! Or Nikki's...**

* * *

"So how come you've booked in, Nikki?" The midwife asks after you say hello and both sit down. "Really I don't need to see you again for a few weeks, is there a problem?"

A slightly awkward silence fills the room, you know the reason you're really here is to admit the truth and set Nikki's records straight. Nikki turns to look at you, and you squeeze her hand under the table for support.

"This is Harry." She begins clumsily. The midwife looks at you with a curious smile, as if she's already guessed exactly what this visit is about. You can feel an embarrassed blush across your face. It feels strange admitting your secret to an outsider. "The thing is...Well it turns out that Matt, well, he can't have children."

"Ok." Diane, the midwife, nods slowly. She can see Nikki faltering and smiles at her softly, sparing you both the pain. "So Harry is the father?"

Nikki only nods in reply, and you look at her again, putting your hand on her leg. She smiles awkwardly at you, as if she doesn't know how to act now that someone other than the two of you and Leo knows, and even Leo doesn't know it's full extent.

"Ok, fine." Diane begins again. She flicks through Nikki's notes and starts to cross Matt's name from the 'baby's father' details. This brings you a joy you're slightly ashamed of. "So, I've got to ask, are the two of you together now?"

You look at Nikki, unspeaking, and she pauses again, unsure what to say. You feel like it's your turn to rescue her. "No, we're not together." You begin. "I'm actually with someone else. Anna doesn't know that me and Nikki are still seeing each other, but I'm intent on doing everything I can for Nikki and the baby."

She smiles, seemingly satisfied with your answer. She looks again at Nikki, who appears to be a little less awkward now. "And there's nothing I need to be concerned about? Matt isn't going to be violent with you now, or anything like that?"

"No, we're fine." Nikki finally smiles and you grin at her.

"Ok. Diane continues, I'll just need you to change a few pieces of information on these pages then Harry, just so we know a few things about you. And Nikki, while you're here I'll check you over." You get the impression she's happier than she was when you walked in. Maybe she felt the same about Matt.

After you've finished entering your details and Nikki's had her blood pressure checked, the midwife ushers her up onto the couch where she begins to palpate the soft swell of her stomach, pulling out a small machine where she proceeds to listen to the heartbeat of the baby growing within her. Your baby. The quick thuds of the heart rate fill your ears and bring with them the sudden realisation that you're going to be a father. A dad, with a child to love and care for and bring up. You don't want to miss out by being with Anna, you don't want to miss the first steps, first words, first minutes of your baby's life. You decide there and then that you'll end things with Anna before your baby is born.

"It's mad, isn't it?" You hear Nikki whisper, addressed to no one in particular. You turn in your chair to look at her again and feel a surge of love for her, for bringing you the opportunity to be a parent, something you hadn't realised before you were ready to do.

Eventually the sound stops and you are pulled back into reality. Nikki wipes the ultrasound gel from her stomach and sits up, coming to sit back down with you. You wrap an arm around your shoulder and kiss her quickly on the lips while Diane clears her equipment away. Nikki grins as you pull away.

When you leave the room, you place a hand on the small of Nikki's back and your other on her neck, placing a gently kiss on her plump, pink lips. "Thank you" you whisper, touching her forehead with yours. She looks at you quizzically and you grin. "For having my baby."


	9. Chapter 9

**Will never get over Afghanistan. **

* * *

You fall back against the pillows, smiling, as Nikki smiles back at you. You lean up to kiss her gently as she gradually relaxes next to you, moving slower with every passing day, with every passing growth spurt of your baby. You roll over to wrap your arm around her as she presses her bare back against your naked body. You feel your eyes edging closer together and the idea of succumbing to sleep seems better with every minute.

Naturally, your hand meets Nikki's neat bump and you use it to pull her tight to you, your lips pressing against the top of her head. You suddenly become aware of something wrong, something you'd been ignoring all evening. You'd noticed Nikki had been acting off, but you'd put it down to hormones. Tonight seemed like a different thing altogether. You lift your hand to brush the tears from her eyes and she's breaking down in front of you, carefully constructed walls being torn apart by your gentle fingers. She sobs desperately, taking your hand in hers as she buries her head into it. Quietly, you try to soothe her, asking her what's wrong, why she's upset. Eventually, she turns to you, red-eyed and with a hint of fear in her expression.

"I can't do this." She whispers, tone laced with guilt. "I can't cope. It's too much for me Harry. It's too fast."

She pauses, taking a quick glimpse of your shaking head. You know exactly what she's talking about and where she's going. You haven't admitted it to anyone, barely to yourself, but you're just as terrified as she is. While you're entirely happy with your current relationship with Nikki, you won't deny that you've had moments of panic where you've considered running, considered hiding. You'd never do it, particularly not now that you know the baby is yours, but there's always been that inner commitment-phobe that has been freaking out inside you.

"I mean, five months ago I was with Matt, I started seeing you, and now I'm pregnant, just like that. I've had no time to get used to anything, Harry, and everything is a lie. I'm just not sure I'm ready for this."

"You'll be a brilliant mother, Niks." You whisper.

"But I can't do it Harry, not like this, I can't do this alone."

"What are you saying?"

Nikki looks at you with an expression you've not seen from her before, you can see her vulnerability at its fullest, and it terrifies you. She pauses, as if she's formulating words, and you can tell she's been mulling this over for some time. "I need to know how you feel." She states suddenly, unable to meet your eyes.

You choke up, and as much as you want to calm her, to hold her and tell her you love her, that you'll never leave her, you just can't. No matter how much you think you love her, your constant reminder of With every passing second her faith in you diminishes, and you know you're losing her. You have to say something. Anything.

"I don't know." You whisper, and you cover your face in your hands so that you can't see her disappointment. You desperately try to think of something to say to soften your blow. "But I do enjoy being with you Nikki, and I don't want to lose you or our baby."

Nikki's sobs have returned with a bitter anger that wasn't present before, and you wonder if she's regretting ever letting you get close to her in the first place. "It's not enough Harry and you know that."

"What are you trying to say?" You ask desperately, panicked and scared.

She shakes her head in reply, as if she doesn't know what to do.

"What are you worried about?" She asks bitterly through her tears, as if, despite everything, she's still trying to understand you.

"That I can't do this." You admit softly.

"Can't or won't?" She spits. You underestimate sometimes how well she knows you, and you realise that she's worried she's just another woman for you, another short fling that you don't care about, another Anna.

"Nikki you're everything to me - "

" - Why don't I believe you, Harry?"

You stop talking, and wonder how you've managed to screw this up so much. She's entirely right, and that's what scares you. You're just as worried as she is that one day it'll get too much for you and you'll abandon her. Maybe she's right, maybe she was wrong to get involved with you. Maybe every woman to go near you has been wrong to do so. You certainly don't feel like you're a good omen.

"You're right." You mutter, and for the first time you can see surprise in her face. "You're entirely right. You shouldn't trust me Nikki, because I can't even trust myself. I can't tell you what I'm going to be thinking in 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years, but I can tell you that at the moment, while I may not know if I'm in love with you, I do love you Nikki and I don't want to hurt you. But you're right, all of this is right. You shouldn't trust me because I am terrified, terrified I'm going to screw this up even further or let you down. And that's why you need some time to think about what you want to do, because I want more than anything to tell you that I'll never leave you, but I'm scared. I'm so, so fucking scared, Nikki."

You're not sure where that came from, but you hate that you meant it. You hadn't noticed your tears until now. The pain you're feeling is all too real, and too much for you to handle. You make the mistake of glancing over to her, from where you subconsciously pulled yourself from the bed, and you can't bear the sight of her, the shock on her face, how let down she looks. Before you know what you're doing you've pulled your shirt and trousers back on and you're shutting her bedroom door behind you. Apart from her sobs, the only sound is that of your pumping heart. Part of you wants her to call after you, to admit her own feelings, but nothing comes. You wipe your eyes, and head out of the house, back to your solitude.


	10. Chapter 10

"Harry, open the door." The voice protests. "I know you're in there, I can hear your phone ringing."

No matter how much you try to ignore him, Leo is persistent. You know exactly what he's doing outside your house, exactly how his afternoon has played out. He's been knocking for ten minutes now, and he hasn't got the hint that you want to be left alone. You roll your eyes as you pull yourself up from your bed, drag yourself out of the dark room and down the stairs to the front door. He looks at you with some anger as you finally open the door, with the look of a disappointed father scalding a naughty child.

"What the hell happened?"

You shake your head, hands covering your face, as you step aside to allow him in. He takes the hint, barging into the front room and slipping down onto your settee. You shut the door and take the armchair to his right, curling up protectively. You sigh before meeting his stare. At least there's some concern in there for you.

"What's going on, Harry?"

You take a deep breath, not really sure what to say. "Hasn't she already told you?" You ask snidely.

"I want to hear your side of the story." He says sympathetically, always the diplomat.

"I'm scared" you admit quietly. "I've never been one to settle down with anyone, never got so tied up that I can't escape if I want to..."

"Do you want to?"

You pause and consider his question. You are scared, but you're scared that you'll hurt her, scared you'll let her down. Your fears aren't for your sake.

"No" You mutter. "But that's now, what if that changes?"

"Harry, it's normal to be scared."

"Not like this." You insist. "Leo, it was different for you, you were happy..."

"And you will be too." He smiles, and you wonder if it's hurting him to talk about this, if you're being ungrateful. You know he'd have given anything to be in your position.

"Sorry." You whisper. He nods as if he understands, and continues.

"You will be happy. You'll feel better as soon as you both admit how you feel. You may not have realised it but it's obvious that the two of you are in love -"

"I -"

" - And you'll certainly be happy when you hold your baby in your arms for the first time. You'll look at that baby and know you could never leave." He says loudly, ignoring your protests. You smile a little and sigh.

"How is she?" You ask guiltily.

"She'll live" He sighs, "But you need to talk to her Harry, and you need to make her believe that you're there for her."

"She wasn't listening to me."

"She was, Harry, you just weren't telling her what she was hoping to hear."

You inhale deeply, breathing out slowly as you stare at the floor. "I'm going over there." You state.

Leo smiles, happy that he's calmed you down at least, and nods as he stands up. You pull yourself up too, and grab your keys and coat, pulling your shoes on as Leo leads the way out through the door. You pull him into a brief hug as thanks before you get into the car. He grins at you, and wishes you luck before he drives off.

You notice the curtain move slightly a few seconds after you knock, and you lean back so that she can see you. You can see her irritated expression and the redness around her eyes, and you try to convey an apology to her wordlessly. She rolls her eyes and leaves the window, reappearing moments later in front of the door, covered only by her lilac dressing gown.

"Hi" You start awkwardly. She leans against the doorframe, blocking your entry. You sigh and drop your eyes to the floor for a second. You swallow and look back up, confronting the hurt in her eyes. "I'm so sorry."

Nikki says nothing, but you can see the tears brimming in her eyes and know that her barriers aren't built much higher. You edge toward her, slow enough that she can push you back if she wants to, but she doesn't. Gently, you step up so that you're level with her and place your hand gently on her cheek. Despite herself, she nudges into it, her lips betraying her as she kisses your palm, thumb brushing the skin near her closed eye. She takes a step backward and you follow her inside, turning to pin her against the door frame after she has pushed it shut. She looks up at you and you can see the same vulnerability in her eyes. You lean in and kiss her softly, pressing your foreheads together when you break apart.

"I'm here for you." You whisper, feeling her hot breath against your lips. She opens her eyes slowly and looks up at you. You know it's not enough and she needs more. You take her hand and lead her into the living room, where you sit her down opposite you on the sofa. "I'm never going to leave you, Niks. Never. I'll be here for you, and for our child, and whatever you need from me I'll do my best to help you. I promise you."

Nikki smiles gently, and her tears start to fall again. You grin as you pull her into you, kissing her hair as you inhale her smell. "I'm sorry too." She whispers. "I shouldn't have been so forceful with you. I know we don't need to be in love to bring this baby up, I just felt really alone."

"You'll never be alone." You whisper, stroking your fingers through her hair as she tilts her head back to look at you. You lean in gently and kiss her, feeling a rush when you realise that the passion she lacked earlier was back with force. You grin into the kiss as she pushes against you, making you gradually lower yourself backward. You appreciate in that moment just how much you want Leo to be right, how much you want to wake up one day, and realise that you love her.


	11. Chapter 11

Your hand jolts backward and you both laugh. You're not quite sure you'll ever tire of the miracle you've been granted. You place your hand back on Nikki's ever growing abdomen and grin as you feel it wriggle under your touch. Nikki leans in and kisses you softly, smiling as you laugh. You grin when she pulls back, and she takes your hand in hers.

"We still haven't discussed baby names." You tease. Nikki tuts again and rolls her eyes. This conversation never ends well. Although you're pleased she never asked the sonographer what sex the baby is at her 20 week scan, you do appreciate how much easier it would have been.

"Well you know my opinion." Nikki smiles with a wink. Every name you've suggested she's mocked. You grin and kiss her again. A noise interrupts your conversation, and you look at Nikki with a furrowed brow as the door is knocked again. She pulls a pyjama top on and drags some loose jogging bottoms over her bump, peering out of her bedroom window as you sit up in bed.

"Hide." She whispers. "Anna's car is outside."

"What?" You hiss, sudden panic overcoming you. You grab your shirt and boxers and pull them on as you look around for somewhere to hide, slipping into the bottom of the airing cupboard near the top of the stairs as Nikki slowly descends the stairs.

"Oh, hi Anna." You hear her say with mock surprise as the door is opened. "Come in."

You hear footsteps leading inside, and you swallow when you realise you can still hear their conversation.

"Are you alright?" Nikki asks. You hear the familiar voice's reply of yes, but the tone says otherwise.

"You know Harry better than anyone, don't you?" Anna is asking. Nikki pauses slightly before agreeing. "Do you think he might be cheating on me?"

Another pause from Nikki, and you can imagine her slightly agape mask and raised eyebrows. She's a better actress than you give her credit for, when she wants to be.

"I don't... I don't know... What makes you think he is?" She asks quietly. You admire how interested she sounds.

"He's never around. He's always working, or says he's here with you... He never wants to sleep with me..."

"Well, in his defense, he has been putting a lot of extra hours in, and I'm afraid a lot of that is my fault because I haven't been in as much, and you can imagine what he and Leo are like, wanting to protect me." This much was, in fact, the truth. "And he has spent time with me, a fair amount more since... Well, since Matt left me. I think he feels a bit responsible, because they never saw eye to eye. He's been incredibly helpful, I'm not sure I'd be coping this well without him. But I really don't know, Anna, to be honest, with everything that's been happening with me I haven't been asking him much at all, I've been a bad friend, really. I haven't even asked about you for weeks. And as for the sex, I really wouldn't be able to say anything about that, but he does often complain about how tired he has been recently."

Anna seems to buy Nikki's explanation, and an awkward silence fills the house. The guilt that consumes you is overpowering, and you have to breathe deeply to stop yourself from going downstairs and apologising to the both of them.

"He hasn't said anything to you, then?" Anna sighs. Nikki says nothing, and you assume she's shaken her head.

"I just don't know what to do." Anna says sadly. "He's such a good guy, and I know that he'd be a fantastic father. I mean, look what he's done for you, and it's not even his baby. He definitely wouldn't walk out on me, like Matt did to you."

You have to hold your breath to stop yourself protesting in Nikki's defense. That last comment was out of order, and you're sure Nikki is remaining silent out of shock and horror rather than lack of opinion.

"I really thought he might think about having a baby of his own, when you told everyone you were pregnant." Anna pauses, as if deep in thought. "I wonder if maybe he could tell what Matt would do, and he didn't try because he knew you'd need him. That's why I admire him so much, he's been so good with you. I expect he'll want one of his own when your baby arrives."

Nikki continues to say nothing, and you're sure she's feeling a little of what you're feeling yourself. The guilt is overwhelming, and you just want to close your eyes and hide away, to be in a different place. How you got yourself into this mess you'll never know.

"I might just stop taking the pill." Anna states simply, and you suddenly feel a little less guilty. Maybe there's a crazy side to Anna you haven't noticed yet, or you've ignored.

"How many weeks are you now?" She asks, apparently interested again.

"32" Nikki says quietly. You can imagine her holding her bump protectively, and you wonder whether Anna is glaring or smiling.

The two women stand in silence for a few moments as you're fighting the urge just to end things with Anna by walking down the stairs, but you remember Nikki's words to Leo, and they hold you back. She doesn't know how she feels. You remind herself. You realised a few weeks ago that you've been in love with Nikki for years, and you'd laughed at how Leo had known it all along. You've cursed yourself for waiting so long to realise it. Maybe you're too late, but you'll take what you can get. While you might not be emotionally fulfilled in this relationship, it's more than you deserve.

You can hear movement again, footsteps towards the hall, the creak of a door. You imagine Nikki standing awkwardly in front of the door as Anna makes her way out.

"How long have you been in love with Harry?" Anna asks. You hear no response from Nikki, and it makes your heart sink a little more until you realise she hasn't denied it either. Anna scoffs, and you wonder if Nikki's face is giving away more than she'd intended. "That's what I thought." Anna mutters. "He loves _me, _you know." She insists, and you hear the creak of the front door as it closes behind her.

A few tense moments pass before you hear Nikki finally move and walk back up the stairs. She pauses at the top and you can't bring yourself to look at her as she opens the door to the airing cupboard, but you can see the redness on her face in your peripheral vision, and you guess she's been crying. Maybe she does love you, to some degree at least. Your guilt stops you from following her into the bedroom immediately, but after a few solitary moments, you pick yourself up.

She's lying on the bed, facing outward so that you won't be able to see her when you climb on, which you reluctantly do. You lie in silence for a while longer, unsure what to say. You know what you want to say and what you want to do, but you know its not the time. Laying there, you figure out what you need to do. You roll onto your side and lace an arm around Nikki and your baby, kissing the back of her hair gently. You hear her sniff and hold her tighter.

"I'm going to leave her." You state quietly. "Before the baby is born."

Nikki rolls onto her back and looks up at you, a hint of a smile on her lips, which she's trying to suppress. "Why?" She asks softly. "I thought you loved her?"

"No, I don't love her. You're more important to me now." You smile. "It's not fair on her, or on you. I want to be there for you, and whether you want me there or not I'm going to be here with you."

Nikki laughs and buries her head into your neck. "You're sure?"

"I'm sure." You agree. "Besides, I don't need another pregnant girlfriend."

She chuckles again and raises her eyebrows. "Girlfriend?"  
You blush a little, smiling despite your embarrassment. "You know what I mean."

"I do." She smiles. As you kiss her, you wonder if she'll ever say those words again to you, in a different context.


End file.
